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Archive for September, 2010

Anniversary

Anniversary

This past week marked my one-year anniversary having started work full-time nights. Being the introspective soul that I am, I had to ponder the last year, and assess the pros and cons…and see how things are going.

“Full-time!” you scoff…,”I’ve worked full time for years! What’s the big deal?”

Well, the big deal for me is that I hadn’t worked full time in 12 years, never worked full time nights, and never worked much at all having two children that I was attempting to homeschool.  Needless to say, the last year has had its ups and downs.

Downs:

Exhaustion. Oh my word. I have plumbed the depths of exhaustion this year. Now I can say that I am not afraid of exhaustion any more. I know  from personal experience that you can function on less sleep than man has ever thought possible. I also know that you can get so tired that the only thing you feel is apathy. Yep, this one is a down, for sure.

Even on good weeks, when I work only three nights spread well apart, it’s still too much time away from my family and my home. I am in love with my family and my home. I want to be there all the time. I am perfectly fulfilled with my family and interests at home, and have no desire to leave it for 39 hours a week. So, my personal goal is part-time, as soon as possible. A long-term goal is to be at home again full-time….

Two days a week I am totally overwhelmed. On  those days when everything looks bad, it seems as though the kids are not getting any education, my house is a mess, and our financial situation is no better. These are all untrue, and are related to the exhaustion mentioned above. The truth is, we homeschool for reasons that have nothing to do with academics, my house is usually fairly tidy, and our financial situation improves monthly. Therefore, I have to repeat these things to myself, and weather the bad days as best I can.

My skin is worse. Apparently it heals at night. So, working means more pimples. TRULY a down. I also have a few more gray hairs, but I figure the ones that come from working full time are about the same as the amount I would be getting from worry if we weren’t making some financial headway.

Ups:

Great paychecks. This is the reason I do what I do. No other need or desire at this point would motivate me to keep this schedule.

Kids are learning to be a real help at home. Moms, you know how sometimes it’s easier if you do it yourself? Well, if you are in a position that you MUST have the help of your six and ten year olds, they learn things! It’s great!

Great feeling when you’re driving home in the morning, having worked all night, and heading home to bed.

Getting to see the dawn three times a week. Never got to see dawn much before….It’s lovely….and there is just something about talking with the Lord as I drive home and the sun is coming up…

Euphoric feeling when you DO get in bed. Now, I’ve been getting into bed for years, and never, even when I  was exhausted after having new babies, did I feel the euphoria I feel when I get into bed of a morning. And everyone else is getting up to go to work! HAHA!

Increased appreciation at home. Yes, my family loved me and appreciated me plenty when I wasn’t working (well, my husband did), but now, the appreciation has risen to new heights as my family has had to learn to make brownies and have fun without me. My kids are more loving. They seem to enjoy my presence more than they did before when it was easily taken for granted. They also love the people that the Lord has brought into our lives to help us, and are learning important lessons from the interactions with others.

The best up of all…I am learning to lean. I never had to work very hard at many things growing up. I’m a pretty capable person. I think through all of this that the only way the Lord could teach me to lean on Him in a moment-by-moment basis was to give me more than I could handle on my own. People ask me all the time how I do all that I do, and tell them, “The Lord helps me.” This is not a platitude. I am not trying to be modest. I am being starkly truthful. I could not do this on my own. NO WAY. There are moments that I get  so full of despair that I can’t hardly face it. In some ways, this is SO not what I pictured. I don’t know how I got here, sometimes. In moments like those, the ONLY One who can help me through is the One who, for whatever reason, ordained this path for me to walk.

So, one year in, I am learning to lean. I am finding that you can be running in the rat race like crazy and still have a peaceful mind. I am learning to appreciate small, wonderful moments that make a day great even if my overwhelming tasks for that day are  not what I would have chosen for myself. Learning that no matter how much Holston Valley Medical Center requires my presence, my heart can still be at home.

 

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